Strength for Silence

With so many topics roaming the halls of my mind, it’s difficult to form a complete thought.  While I want to expose the inner workings of my soul, I find myself waiting for permission to hit the “enter” key. 

For now, I simply wait for the right words in the right order to form before me. 

In its rarest form, my actions are anything but Heaven-bound.  With humanity composing my physical body, I cling to the Holy Spirit and pray for His direction.  My humanity is constantly playing tug-of-war with what I know to be true.

Here is my dilemma.  In my raw and human form, my flesh desires to lash out.  I hear, I see, I judge.  Yet, judgment is not mine to give.  My flesh and my spirit are at war.  For I know the good I ought to do, but I do not do it.  I know the bad I ought not to do and yet, here I am, watching my hands type.  Then, conviction washes over me and the erase key is firmly pressed.

Am I alone here?  I must find myself in this situation on a daily basis.  My words are not my own.  They belong to the Father.  And yet, my flesh craves to be heard, to be the voice of reason and conviction. 

Be still my fleshly humanity, the Spirit is in control.  To say it in its most simple form, my body and spirit are constantly warring for control.  Will I publicly blast my strong opinion or will the Holy Spirit’s peace and poise wash over me? 

My heart is constantly conflicted.  The war never eases.  Yet as of late, the Lord is bringing about breakthrough.  I believe it and claim it in my life, in my marriage, and in the church.  Friends, the war is not easy.  But the testing develops perseverance.  My humanity is a lover of control, a lover of order and justice.  But humanity is not fair or just. 

And in that realization, I surrender my spirit to God—God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. 

Oh, all-consuming fire, come baptize us.

In the battle of the flesh and spirit—and friends, the two are so real and so very active—remember that we, as Christians, are not to conform to the ways of the world.  Because I want to live a life above reproach, because I know that all things are permissible, but not all are beneficial, because I know the good I ought to do, I clothe myself in God’s armor and fight to develop perseverance.

It’s not easy, it’s excruciating, and yet, it’s my request—to be broken and molded into who God has me to be, to go through growth and find a new depth in my relationship with Christ.

No, the promise is not that the road will be easy, that the burden will be light.  The promise is much greater.  And so I call upon the name of the Lord, I bring my humanity, my filthy rags, to Him, I surrender, and I walk away free, cleansed, and ready to face tomorrow.

Cleaning my Cup

While I can read the chants of a million high school and college students and teachers, I can't get past the notion that, for the first time, I must forgo the sun-filled week of Spring Break.Though in my heart I know I've turned a corner, grown to be a professional, I can't help but feel tormented each shopping excursion I seem to stumble into.  I find myself swimming through the racks of bathing suits that I cannot wear.  It's as if each and every store lures me in and scoffs at me.  

Yes, Spring Break is mere days away.  And while half of Texas will travel South to bask in the glorious sun, the rest of us will remain seated at our cubicle, waiting to see the clock strike 5pm.  Of course, I can speak confidently, as if I would ever subject my innocent pale skin to the torture that is heat.  But, I'll admit, if I had the opportunity, my Spring Break would be filled with nothing more than cuddling up with my honey and soaking in the newly-wed bliss.

I wish I could humbly state the reason for this discussion, but I feel as though "the cat has got my tongue."

Sigh.

Alright, fellow bloggers, I think I'm ready to open up.  I told you an introduction was necessary if I was to bare my soul to you all!

Every girl dreams of being beautiful.  Though the Word clearly states that beauty is fleeting, it's almost innate.  We want to feel loved, adored, desired.  We are the pursued--not the pursuers.  And what better way to draw the attention of a man that with a swim suit?  I'm thoroughly convinced of two things:  Single women want a good body because they want to impress men.  Women who are spoken for want a good body to impress other women.  After all, is human nature not about comparisons and physical attributes?

Well, here's a little piece of my story, a piece of my heart.

After vigorously working out and claiming my man, my life began to change.  With my now-husband in my life, I was treated to dinners and desserts, phone calls that lasted long into the night, and that giddy, peaceful feeling of finding "the one."

Slowly my self-control (self-discipline) began to crumble.  The ease of spending hours of what could have been called loneliness, I had once filled with time with the Lord, working out, and counting my calories.  But with the new relationship that quickly turned into an engagement that quickly turned into a marriage, I was struggling to balance my previous independence with caring for an entire other human!  So much so that I gave up my daily time with the Lord for phone calls, so much so that I gave up counting calories to consume what must've been double my portion, so much so that I cancelled my gym membership to "plan a wedding."

After putting on what my mom so graciously called my wedding weight, the Lord began to speak to me.  I lost my self-discipline.  Besides the previous list, the new character and personality the Lord so beautifully molded me to become was quickly fading into the old-self I never wanted to be again.  I needed an intervention.  And He gave me just that.  He so vividly told me that I could not have self-control over my physical being until I had self-control in my spiritual life.

The spiritual world is so much bigger, so much more real than any of us could possibly imagine.  The battle wages every minute.  The enemy wants our souls, he wants control, and if we are not careful to clothe ourselves daily, the outcome will not be so tender and sweet.

Friends, we must sacrifice what's lukewarm (what's not hindering, but not causing growth) for things that are 100-percent beneficial to our relationship with God. 

Matthew 23:25-26, "...for you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are filthy--full of greed and self-indulgence!  You blind Pharisee!  First wash the inside of the cup and  the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too."

So, alas, my first Spring Break as an old married, working woman [could I possibly talk about my husband any more?...Yes, don't tempt me ;)], I will be spending my time cleaning my cup.  I'll think I'll start with the inside first. 

As the Dear

New to the blogging community, I feel a duty to explain myself.  Before I expose my heart and "pen" the words that compose my very existence, I have to admit, I was hesitant to this world.

Insecurities and shortcomings made me stop and wonder who the blogging community is.  Moms, homemakers, artists, and craft-smiths, none of which I ever thought I was.  That is, until I got to college and began taking creative writing classes.  Of course, during this stage of life I was too consumed with living life to the fullest, dramatizing my latest breakup, and sulking in who I would never be.  Looking back, I can't help but laugh.  Who in the world was I?

I'm most positive of this.  I didn't know the answer to that question until the time of my 22nd birthday.

"Woah"

I could hear those murmurs new friends!  But I'm right there with you, wondering how it took me so long to see my value, my worth, in Christ.  To avoid endless talks of days gone past, I'll simply say, nothing is coincidence.  God has a plan and purpose for every dark stage we go through.

After a series of life events, I started to see how the Lord was molding me into who I am.

I am a dear.  My husband's dear.  "Dear, can you help me with this?" and "Dear, what do you think about that?"  I cannot express how grateful I am to be his dear.  After years of seeking the Lord on who my husband would be, I can confidently state that I married the exact man God had for me.  Not to keep you guessing, I'll go ahead and admit it: he's quite the looker.  I'm talking like major hunk, could be famous, kind of attractive.  And then to add to his physical appearance his genuine heart for others.  Even in the midst of turbulence, he is the most loyal and faithful man I've ever seen. I enjoy every day I get to spend being his dear.

But, I'm not just my husband's dear.  More than anything in this world, I'm His dear.  The Lord crafted me specifically into who I am today--physically, spiritually, emotionally.  He has given me opportunities to grow, opportunities to shine, opportunities to test my faith and develop perseverance.

I am a dear panting for the water, for the will of the Father.  My soul longs to see Jesus move in my life, in your life, and around this world.  Life is pretty tough, but when we are dears panting for our Savior, He is quick to quench our thirst.